Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early