If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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I’m a bad influence on myself.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice