texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.