Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.