Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
love it when they get my name right
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink