The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
i smell a pulitzer
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.