You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.