Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]