me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
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Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
never forget
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.