Is….Is this an option?
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Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?