Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
You Might Also Like
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”