It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Liquor Store Parking
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Usage Guidelines
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Breaking news:
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
jesus christ confetti not now
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.