Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me if I was a dog
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶