Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
tourist season
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too