English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”