I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
You Might Also Like
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Check your privilege
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.