[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.