I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
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That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Omg 🤣
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
umm…
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god