God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Oh yeah that’s it
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?