I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok