I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
2 years later
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.