PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My circle of trust is a meatball