Legend 🤣🤣
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Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
We have a winner.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
he chose this
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.