One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud