So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
we’re gonna need another temp
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology