Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!