me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
You Might Also Like
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.