murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Seems kinda suspicious
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good