i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???