named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.