Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.