Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
You Might Also Like
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
They’re really bad with fonts.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.