Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.