10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?