i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
congratulations to them