If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
⛄️
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰