“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
are there any atheist mantises?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.