If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
respect
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse