You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
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Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
We’ve all been there