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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Tough love is true love
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books