9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.