I’m not lazy
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It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.