out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
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Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party