it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this