When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
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I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
guys i’ve cracked the code
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?