Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
How to wake up a Beagle
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.