i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
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Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*