I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I feel this so hard
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”