Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
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[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right