BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
LOL
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Whoa… oh I see lol
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits